now & then.

You could tell what I was thinking by looking at me
Running the other way & hoping that you’d catch me
Eyelashes to my face when I wore a frown
So happy then but look at us now
Made fun of me just to make me laugh
Told everyone I was your better half
Tickling feet to wake me up in the morning
Kissed me in the rain it started pouring
An avocado & two pieces of bread
Said I would love you until I was dead
Numbers in between your shoulder blades
I love you’s what they said
A surprise while I was away
Writing you notes in class for days
Forever singing me to sleep
With a hand pressed to my cheek
Always admiring the way I speak
Entertaining all our guests
You were outgoing, I was impressed
New ink and stars when I met you
I told you I’d never forget you
I fought for you for years
You put me through hell I was in tears
That time I punched you in the face
Ten years of my life wasn’t a waste
How quickly I was replaced
I thought I’d have lace covering my face
Instead left me without your embrace
Your family was my own
Whenever I was disowned
I loved you to the core & to the bone
I loved you more than you could have known

All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me
The way I loved you then

4.30.13 12:31 am

without you two.

I’m opening doors then slamming them shut
I’m high as a kite, now I sulk in a rut
I taste perfection. Turn around and feed an infection
I’m burning up my destiny every second that I go
Is this the right direction? How can I know?
Am I on the right path?
Am I improving my craft
Have I mistaken my skills while I’m swallowing pills
I try to stay positive maybe I can’t handle all-of-it
Am I strong enough to do this?
Was I meant to live and breathe for this?
What am I doing? Am I mistaken?
Pressing white keys, all the while sitting shaken
Adrenaline coursing through me, this is intoxication
Admitting I’m insane, words bringing the sensation
I’m a chameleon, fading into a different person
In two years time, transforming, transformation
I don’t know who I am thirty days in a row
So much change, where did I go?
Who was I even a month ago
This revision of myself, more than anyone could know
Getting familiar with who I’ve become
Fighting the thoughts of you with a gun
The moment I heard the words you were dead
Everything changed, got rearranged in my head
Feeling half alive without you two for months
If this was fated in stars I wish I had known up front
Been more prepared, knew what to do
I’ve been losing my mind without you, too

Am I meant to sing everyday of my life
Being judged by those who think I’m so quick to the knife
But no one understands where I’m coming from
They shouldn’t judge me on things that I’ve done
They’ll never understand what I’ve been through
Because I’m losing my mind
Without you two.

4.7.13 3:38 am

shut it for you.

Did I put a gun to your head and threaten you to read these lines?
I’ve been working so hard, you’ve been criticizing the whole time
I guess it’s easy picking people apart when you’re not making a dime
Sitting on the couch, gaining weight & wasting time
If you don’t like what I have to say I can quickly solve this issue
Shut your fucking eyes! I have power, don’t make me misuse …it
I’m only doing what I was born for, I’m not trying to start a fight
Take a deep breath, I swear it’ll be all right
Why don’t you loosen up a bit
You’ve been squeezing those cheeks together too tight
How about you stop complaining about what you don’t have
Maybe if you’d try to do something with your life it wouldn’t seem so bad!

What if you took all the energy you waste demeaning me
And spent it to better yourself, who knows what you could be
If you don’t take all this depressing, dull & lifeless, negativity
And turn it all around I’m going to start wishing you wouldn’t breathe!

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion but if you’re another sheep
Does it matter what you say?
You’ll remain nameless because you won’t try & you’re afraid
Well, we fight every fucking second to do what we love
We never back down to succeed at what we dream of
And you’re too busy complaining concerning things I write about
Rivaled by fear, suffocating in your own doubts
These are the reasons you cast your stones
This is my reasoning for saying you will be alone!
If your life is filled with criticizing everyone else
On what you have no courage to do yourself
This is the reason I changed and I continue to BELT
These notes from my lungs! I can’t change you
You have to change yourself
Or continue judging me, but that won’t help
It’ll only make you feel worse than you already felt
Because I’ll keep on writing poems about how hate yourself
I may have been through hell but you created one for yourself

I wish I could put this into words that would not offend you
I don’t think you deserve it & I have no sympathy to lend you
Shut your mouth, your words are of no use
I’ll continue living and breathing the same way, better without you
Don’t you dare judge me because of what I’ve been though
My parents death, judging that? How fucking dare you!
You don’t know a God damn thing about what I’ve been through
So shut your fucking mouth or I’m about to shut it for you!

4.3.13 7:17 pm - 4.10.12 7:59 pm

a valid prince.

What validity is there in speaking the words
I     am     trustworthy
Integrity cannot be proven-with words
Trust cannot be spoken of or asked for
How long will our courtship last for?
It is assumed one can be trusted
As long as the throne doesn’t get busted
When the thought comes up in conversation
Conversed upon with hesitation
The seed of doubt is planted
Prince Charming, he must be enchanted
Worry begins with side glances
Whoever thought an untrustworthy Prince could be so romantic
I thought of you genuine but you must have planned this
I thought you a noble man but that’s not what you resemble
I should have realized this was all so simple

Assumptions of a fairytale
Entitled blood well versed in telling tall tales
To be given trust is a gift
To have it taken away, a curse
A failure with a tarnished crown
How persuasive a rich man can be with the aid of a poetic verse
It’s true a spoiled, self-consumed man
Always turns out to be the worst
Spilling guts without a word
Lies told over blushing cheeks
To be found out
Does it bring a rotten man release?
A lie told is not relief
Stealing hearts with lies makes you a thief

Can there be confirmation found in a cunning crown
Jewels and gems won’t break borders down
Bittersweet, a seemingly honest face
But money doesn’t prove as a trustworthy date
Because dishonesty is a gift some are graced with
A charmer can make you forget…    with a kiss
They can mesmerize with their lips
Magic must be mixed in their spit
Fairy dust masks how they’re full of it
But liars can never be trusted
Entitled blood can be truly haunted
I would have been happier
Never         stumbling upon it

2.11.13 12:02 am

cross country.

Do you find me paralyzing?
Tantalizing or terrifying?
Do my actions speak loudly
Or will you stay with a stern face, so proudly
Abiding by the rules
Stand in line and please don’t drool
Oh, darling, you must think I’m a fool
To fall for you, don’t think I’m cruel
It’s just that my heart’s been ripped out of this chest
Time and time again
So honey, let be friends
You can be there til the very end
And we won’t find a bitter end
Better yet, let’s not begin
I know how it’s going to turn out
You’ll run away
Our fire will burn out
But we never had a spark
This boy across the country has my heart
And I’ve got taking photos down to an art
It’s mostly you and it’s not me
I don’t love you, don’t you see
You have to be one of a kind to be with me
This will be on it’s way to getting messy
And being around you is quite depressing
You better believe I am betting
That I am not one for settling
You’ll just have to move along
While wondering where it was you went wrong
Please don’t speak
While I’m playing his song
It’s better now, you move along

2.7.13 11:27 pm

anchored in weight.

This metal is cold against my cheek
My eyes are red, I’m slurring speech
I’ve miles to go before I reach
Hours to pass, with lack of sleep
The broken pain I’m in
Nothing covered so I can’t win
Slapped by your solemn solstice
I’ve been replaced
Stretches of highway, to see your face
Cracks in the glass, ripples in the road
This crescent moon, so bright it glows
Mourning glory, tell me a story
Your silence is deafening
I’m rotting right through
The core’s been torn
I’m never warm
No ending to my catastrophic storm
May God himself help you navigate
Find your way to my door
So I can tell you how I feel
And not have to think of you anymore
You lost the privilege to speak to me a long time ago
I’d tell you myself but you already know
And you think silence will settle the score
My God, you’re never wrong, haven’t we been here before?
You deserve nothing
Anchored in weight
If I gave a damn, it’s you I’d hate

3.11.12 6:09 pm

treading water.

We are all treading water
Trying to get by
Facing different problems
We all look to the sky
For hope, for something better
Courage, to swallow pride
We’re all just treading water
So we won’t drown and stay alive

We’re all fanning the fire
Breathing embers to stay warm
We all want the honey
But, don’t want to face the swarm
With openness then sadness
We bend and then conform
We breathe life to the fire
To stay alive by staying warm

We are all seeking shelter
From the rain that’s pouring down
When soaked to the bone
Rain drops create a dreadful sound
For a home, to find a roof over
To wipe away a frown
We all need to be sheltered
Drenched and muddy from the ground

12.17.12 7:20 pm

ask twice.

Am I a model or am I am musician?
Either which way, I’m in the position
For you to misunderstand what and who I am
You egotistically don’t have a clue
And now I’m irritated at you
You offered your hand with a little advice
But, this time you decided not to play nice
So, I take your words with no admiration
You are in the wrong, now, rejection you are facing
I thought I must have misunderstood what you meant
I guess you just are a pro at how to misrepresent
Your words are to break me, but I’ll never give in
The older I get, the thicker the skin
So judge me and criticize the way I do things
But I know what each new day brings
Life is too short for a deviant report
I’ll let you criticize, I’m a good sport
Never were we very close but your thoughts I would toast
But now you disappoint me the most
When you decided to start trouble in ruble
With limberly lines you can smuggle
Your words won’t do fine when you can’t catch a line
And I’ll look down your way long enough just to say
You should have been nice, don’t make me ask twice
For these rhymes that you mention, your awkward repetition
At once when I heard them it hurt me to hear
But you have now disappeared and I won’t worry away
For a friendship to save
It is your loss, and I have tossed
You to the curb, you can’t have the last word
You should have been nice, I told you I won’t ask twice

04.18.08

release me.

You were my oxygen
Without you, I didn’t breathe
Always my life line
If there was no you, there was no me
I existed in the sense
That you were tied to me
I never imagined
One day you’d set me free

I think of you often
I won’t lie, I cry sometimes
I’m not angry anymore
That was then
Those were different lives
Daydreaming, reminiscing
Sometimes I retrace the times
Wrapped up in a blanket
Patches latched around me like vines

I think of how I’ve forgiven you
But you can’t seem to shake it
Do you still hate me
Not one word, a single statement
You can’t stand being near me
Can’t be in the same room where I am
I wish somehow I could, I just don’t understand
But, you’ll never speak to me
Sometimes I wish you would
I should never get close enough
To tell you that you could

You were the moth at my window
I kept all our mementos
The time that we spent, though
Meant more to me then, so
I make believe you forgive me
After all these years I could be free
I’ve forgiven you for everything
Even after all you did to me

You need to forgive yourself
Because there is no one else

You need to forgive me
So I can finally be free
Without knowing you forgive me
I will finally let myself free
Between us, no more misery
You need to release me
Know now, I am free
Without you, I’m just me
After all these years
Finally,
Just me.

I
am
free.


happy birthday.
I’ve
     let
        you
            go.

01.11.13 11:11 pm-03.02.13